In this letter to her rainbow baby, Cyan, Hannah explains to her child the hardships she and her husband faced when their child, Senna, was born sleeping. “You were not born with a job. We do not desire you to be a replacement,” Hannah says to her dear rainbow baby. Read this touching letter, which can teach us all to parent better, below.
Dear “rainbow baby” (not a term I love, but a term I will tolerate for the sake of being understood and relatable):
Once upon a time, I was pregnant with a different baby.
This baby left before they were even born. They never got to cry, never took a breath, but I loved them all the same. I still love them, just like I love you.
Empty Arms and a Broken Heart
When I went home with empty arms, my heart was broken.
Even though I did everything right, I was living a nightmare. I was swelling with love, aching to rock them and care for them with all the tenderness I had with you, but I was trapped in a world without them.
It’s scary to talk about, but before you came, dear rainbow baby, my life was in a constant state of turmoil. Nothing was happy. I was void of purpose and light.
The sun still rose in the morning and set in the evening–not because I willed it to, but simply out of habit. I would go through the motions of keeping myself alive, but for what, I could not have told you. I was a shattered mess of what I had once been and my mere existence was laborious.
Life felt impossible.
Then You Came, Dear Rainbow Baby
Then you came, screaming and determined to make the most out of the shells of parents you had been given.
And I melted, because I didn’t know how to feel this love again. I was scared you would leave, and I would be left how you found me. That you wouldn’t remain the rainbow baby after the storm.
But our bond was unrelenting, and demanded to be nurtured and felt. You, without even being conscious of it, demanded me to be your mother and learn how to do all the things I once longed to do with your sibling.
You, my love, are a force of nature I recognize well when I look at those who have come before us. You made living easier. You gave me heart again and for that, I thank you.
I Must Tell You
But there is something you need to know.
Being a rainbow baby puts no expectations on you. You are not a resolution to hard times, nor the means to the end of my grief. You are not here simply for the purpose of making me whole again.
Listen to me when I tell you, your purpose is inherently your own and is not tied to repairing me. You were not born with a job. We do not desire you to be a replacement.
When you came, so did so many of the good things we felt were lost, but that didn’t stop the sadness we felt.
Throughout your life, I will cry and grieve. You will find me sitting alone with my thoughts, trying to find new details in old pictures in an effort to reconnect with your sibling who came before you.
As I raise you, nurture you and love you, I will be longing for your sibling. Every new experience I share with you will be shadowed by the realization of just what we have lost, a reminder of the void in my heart. It will be marvelous, brilliant, and painful.
A Rainbow Baby’s Job is Not to Heal Past Pain
When the time comes that you recognize this pain, you might want to fix it. That’s why I write you this letter, rainbow baby.
You might feel like it’s your job. But you can’t, and it’s not.
You cannot take away my grief because I do not grieve for you. You are YOU, not them.
You are inherently worthy of your place on this earth and in my heart because of who you are as an individual, not because of the thing your breath has done for me.
You see, when families who only have living members grow, so does their ability to love. We carry that love inside of us and it comes out in things like hugs, reading books, singing songs, and helping each other.
My grief for your sibling is a part of my expression of love for them. It can look sad because they’re not here, but it cannot be fixed, not even by you. It can only be carried and must be carried by me.
When you were born, you unlocked a part of my heart that is uniquely and forever yours. A part of my heart which you fill just by being you.
You Deserve To Know About Your Siblings
I want you to know about all of your siblings, no matter if they’re alive or dead.
I want you to grow up knowing their names and their stories. I hope you grow up aware that even if they’re not on this earth, you have family who loves you.
But this doesn’t mean I want you to try to contort yourself to fit into the parts of my heart that belong to them.
Each of you are so unique and special. No one could take the place of another.
So remember, when you see me sad, it’s not your job to fix it. It’s just me loving.
And if you need me to love you at the same time, I can do that too. I’ve done it all your life already.
Love you with all my heart (even the broken parts),
Mom
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