I can remember the exact moment I found out I was pregnant.
A few days prior, I went to the doctor because I had this unusual pain in my stomach. I remember the doctor asking me, “Do you think you could be pregnant?”
And my response was, “Eh, I doubt it.”
I never thought that this would be the start of my journey of miscarrying twins, and yet this doctor’s visit set off a chain of emotional events that still deeply affects me and my husband to this day.
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- A Welcome Surprise
- Pregnant Again: Early Signs and Cravings
- Not One, But Two Heartbeats
- Losing Our Twins
- What Happens When You Miscarry Twins?
- Twin Miscarriage Statistics and Complications
- Seeing Babies Everywhere
- Three Tips for Healing from Twin Miscarriage
- Learning to Work Through Twin Loss
- More Miscarriage Stories
A Welcome Surprise
I honestly didn’t think I was pregnant, but the doctor insisted on a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side.
A few days later, the nurse called me while I was at work.
“Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?”
So of course, like any other person, I said “Give me the bad news first.”
She said, “You can’t drink for nine months.”
At first I didn’t catch on, and I repeated what she said, very confused. Until she finally said, “Girl, you’re pregnant.”
My reaction was so calm, now that I think about it. I actually surprised myself.
I asked the nurse, “Are you sure?”
I think I asked her about three times after that until she started laughing.
After I hung up the phone, I just sat at my desk in disbelief. Did she really just tell me that I was PREGNANT?
Needless to say, I couldn’t concentrate at work the rest of the day. I had just received the best news of my life, so who wants to check emails and talk to clients, anyway?!
How to Tell Your Husband You’re Pregnant (Spoiler Alert: There’s No Good Way!)
Now, the next mission was telling my husband. After our first miscarriage a few years ago, I was nervous to tell him.
The car ride home felt like an eternity.
I remember calling hubby to tell him I had to tell him something when I got home.
Sidebar – never tell your husband you have to tell him something when you get home because he will torture you to tell him until you actually get home.
I was able to get him off the phone though…crisis averted. Now it was time to tell hubby the news.
As soon as I opened the front door, he was already waiting to hear what I had to tell him.
I should’ve never told him I had news for him. I’ve never seen him get home that fast!
Hubby was sweeping when I walked through the door, and his exact words were, “So what’s your news?” It took me a second to get it all out, but I finally just blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”
First there was the denial, and then when he finally let it sink it, the broom hit the floor, and the tears started….and of course my tears started. We both had to let it sink in for a few minutes.
Pregnant Again: Early Signs and Cravings
Wow, I was finally pregnant…again! I didn’t know whether to be excited, nervous, or all of the above.
I don’t think I slept that night because I was still in utter shock.
And then my early pregnancy signs seemed to come out of nowhere.
The sleepiness started. I was always sleepy! I couldn’t last an entire day without taking a nap, even while at work. My lunch break consisted of setting my alarm for an hour, and then I would have the greatest sleep of my life in my car. Pregnancy naps are the best naps ever!
Then the cravings started.
There was the sausage egg mcmuffin I would have to get from McDonald’s every day on my way to work.
And let’s not forget about the time I called McDonald’s and told them to hold my mcmuffin because breakfast was almost over, and I was running late. They understood. Don’t argue with a pregnant woman about food!
Or the time hubby asked me when I started liking Ruffles potato chips so much.
Disclaimer: Hubby didn’t yet know I was pregnant at the time–well neither did I–but that didn’t stop me from giving him major attitude when he asked me that.
Not One, But Two Heartbeats
I can remember when we found out we were having twins.
I remember that during the first early ultrasound, the doctor put the instrument on my stomach, and he stopped for a minute.
Then he said, “ I hear a heartbeat,”and then I relaxed.
Then he said “I hear another one.”
Of course, my reaction was, “Another what?”
He said, “Heartbeat. You’re having twins.”
I’m not sure if this was a normal reaction or not but nonetheless, I started laughing.
I know, the doctor says, “You’re having twins,” and my reaction is to outright laugh.
I don’t remember what my husband’s reaction was at the time, though. But I do remember telling myself that this was why I kept eating an entire bag of Ruffles chips!
I mean, my husband is an identical twin, so that should have been a thought in my mind, right??
Then my mom, aka Channel 7 News, found out, and let’s just say it was a wrap after that! Within minutes, my entire family knew…even family that I hadn’t talked to in years.
Thanks, Mom! No secrets from friends and family here.
Losing Our Twins
But then it happened.
I almost can’t even utter the words, yet here they are: we lost our babies.
The days, weeks, and months all became a blur after losing our twins.
I can remember returning back to work and getting those uncomfortable stares from people.
They were either trying to figure out what happened to me, or knew what happened and didn’t know what to speak of it.
Is Miscarrying Twins Harder?
I have to admit carrying twins was a totally different experience than my first pregnancy. In the back of my mind, I was always saying to myself, “Wow, now I have to get two of everything!”
I think after the initial shock wore off, I was already thinking, “Who’s going to help us with two babies? This is going to be a LOT.”
Then anxiety kicked in.
And then, losing our twins was incredibly traumatic for me. That’s not to say that every kind of loss isn’t hard, or that one kind of loss is harder than the other.
Editorial note: Don’t compare your grief.
But the first time around my miscarriage happened early and so quickly. I was five weeks along. I literally found out I was pregnant one week, and then the next week I miscarried.
Whereas, miscarrying my twins at three months into my pregnancy, I felt like I constantly relived the pain of their loss.
I had had time to plan and give anxious thought to the arrival of my twins, and then they were gone.
What Happens When You Miscarry Twins?
After being told that we lost our babies, the nurse then proceeded to give me a pill. This pill was supposed to continue the miscarriage naturally. You can read more about the miscarriage pill here.
The nurse sent us home and explained to us that if the miscarriage didn’t happen naturally at home, I would have to have a procedure called a D&C (dilation and curettage).
This procedure clears the uterine lining after a miscarriage. Because I was carrying twins, I had to wait for the pill to take effect.
So basically, we had to go home and wait for it to happen. Needless to say, that night was excruciating. It was a waiting game.
The next morning I woke up, and still nothing.
We already had a doctor’s appointment scheduled, and once we got there, the doctor told us the news that I was dreading to hear: “You are going to have to have a D&C.”
I was a wreck.
The day of the procedure was very hard, but my husband and my mom were right by my side.
Honestly, all I can remember is my husband kissing my forehead as they wheeled me into the operating room, the doctor saying count backwards from 100, and the next thing I remember is the doctor waking me up.
Luckily, I was able to go home the same day. I still felt some residual pain, which the doctor explained would happen. It felt like a sharp pain on either side of my stomach.
This was a constant reminder of what I’d just lost.
Twin Miscarriage Statistics and Complications
I lost the twins at 3 months, just about the time that most pregnancies are considered “safe.” But twin pregnancy and miscarriage are a little different.
Twin and multiple pregnancies (when a woman is pregnant with multiple babies) are generally considered high risk because they need extra monitoring and care and because some complications are more likely to happen with multiples, meaning a twin pregnancy is less likely to result in healthy babies.
According to the American Pregnancy Association, some of these complications include:
- Preterm Labor/Delivery
- Low birth weight
- Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR)
- Gestational Diabetes
- Placental Abruption
- Fetal Demise/Loss (what happened to me)
The sobering fact about carrying twins is that twin pregnancies have a higher rate of miscarriage than singleton pregnancies.
How Often Are Twins Miscarried?
The miscarriage rate for singleton pregnancies after a positive heartbeat has been recorded was 12.2%.
While finding out that you’re having twins might be anxiety-producing because of all the dang WORK that twins take, knowing that that you are more likely to miscarry or have complications is also terrifying.
Seeing Babies Everywhere
I never paid attention to how many pregnant women there were until I miscarried my twins.
At the time, one of my coworkers was also pregnant, but she was further along than me. I remember seeing her in the lunchroom and not even being able to even make eye contact with her.
All I could think was, “Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t I be walking around with a big belly and swollen ankles right now; I want THAT!”
I was so angry.
And then I went from angry, to sad, to depressed…it was an emotional roller coaster.
And let’s not even talk about when I would randomly see pregnant women or women with their babies while at the grocery store.
One time I went to Walmart, just grocery shopping and minding my own business, and what do I see….twin babies.
Yes, twin babies in a shopping cart while their mom was grocery shopping.
I can remember feeling the envy at the time, and asking God, “Okay are you punishing me right now? Because this is way too much for me to handle!”
I can remember driving to work one day and just sobbing uncontrollably in the car. I thought, “This can’t be normal, right?”
I was a complete mess.
Three Tips for Healing from Twin Miscarriage
It took me a long time, but I finally realized that I had to do something. For so long I was trying to be strong, but really, I was undone.
What follows are the three things that genuinely helped me during this time, and I hope that if you are grieving a miscarriage, they will help you, too:
I finally decided to go to therapy, which was a really big step for me.
Therapy helped me to see things from a different perspective, and I have learned so much about myself, and I’m still learning.
Sometimes those uncomfortable sessions are what I really needed to see things the way I do now, and to help me in my healing process.
Honestly, when I started therapy, I was broken. I felt like less of a woman because I couldn’t carry my babies. Not one, but two babies.
I really had to dig deep during my sessions and sometimes relive the trauma. For me, therapy was a place where I wasn’t going to be judged, and I could be as open and as honest as I wanted to be.
For so long, I felt like my miscarriage was a chip on my shoulder that I was constantly carrying around with me.
Self-Care & Affirmations
During therapy I learned a lot about self-care:
- I had to learn how to nurture myself, and fill MY cup. Fill my cup? I had no idea what that meant. Basically, filling my own cup meant that I had to be intentional about taking care of my mental and emotional health, and making myself happy again.
- I learned about affirmations. Affirmations are positive things that you say to yourself, about yourself. And, I have to admit, it works!
At first, not going to lie, I was a little skeptical. But after making it a part of my daily routine, I slowly began to see a difference.
I would actually say my affirmations in the car on the way to work. I would say things like
- “You are smart”
- “You are beautiful”
- “You are confident”
- “You are courageous”
- “You are a great Mom.”
I would drive to work in complete silence and repeat these affirmations.
Sounds weird, right? But it was very therapeutic for me. That was my “me” time, even if it was just a 30 minute car ride. It was my time, no distractions.
Saying No to Triggering Invitations/People
Another thing I also learned in therapy was that it’s okay to say no to things that may trigger you. Baby showers were a big trigger for me. It’s okay to politely decline to attend baby showers after miscarriage.
If you don’t feel comfortable going, don’t go. Although you may be happy for the person who is experiencing this new season in their life, it can sometimes trigger your emotions and remind you of your loss.
For me, I learned how to openly tell people when things were a trigger for me.
This part really didn’t come easy for me, because I would still feel guilty about telling that person no. But little by little, the guilt started to ease.
Editorial note: if you’re struggling with saying no to baby showers, download our cheat sheet to getting out of baby shower invitations!
Journaling also helped me a lot.
Honestly, I was opposed to it at first. I wondered, “How can writing about my feelings make me feel better?”
I would never get the urge to just write. But, I remembered what my therapist said: “Be intentional.”
So, I was.
One day, I took out my notepad and started writing. At first, I thought what I was writing had to be perfect. But after a while, I realized, it didn’t have to be perfect.
Just write what you feel.
If I felt angry, mad, sad, I wrote it all.
It got to the point where I started bringing my journal with me, so whenever my mind would get flooded with thoughts, I would have my journal around to write them down in.
Journaling actually became a therapeutic release for me.
Editorial note: Need help working through and writing about your loss? Our guided miscarriage support journal, Mourning Retreat: A Journal for the Sisterhood of Pregnancy Loss, can help!
I can remember months after my miscarriage, still having to wear my maternity clothes because I still had the baby weight.
I remember one night we were going bowling, and I couldn’t find anything to wear. The only thing that would fit me were my maternity jeans.
I got dressed, and then I burst into tears. It was yet another reminder that I’d lost my babies.
And so I decided that yet another thing that could help me heal was exercise.
Anybody who knows me, knows that I absolutely hate exercising. I can’t tell you how many gym memberships I’ve had that went unused.
But, I knew that if I wanted to lose this baby weight and start to feel like myself again, I had to do something. So, I went to boot camp.
It was really hard at first because I felt like all the other women there were more fit and experienced than me.
But the encouragement and motivation I received from my trainer helped me a great deal. There were times when I really didn’t feel like going to boot camp, especially after a long day of work, but I pushed myself.
There were also times when I went to boot camp so tired, mentally and physically, but by the time I left, I felt so energized. And I actually made a lot of new friends there as well.
Learning to Work Through Twin Loss
I don’t think I will ever really get over losing our babies, but I’ve learned to work through it using therapy, journaling, and exercise.
Ultimately, the grief is something that really never goes away. It just takes a new form.
However, there’s a lot of healing in telling my story. I felt like I needed to give a voice to women who have been and are going through twin miscarriage.
And I hope you know that if you are dealing with miscarriage–whether of a single baby or of multiples-there is support for you!
To learn more about how I survived miscarriage and where you can find encouragement on your miscarriage journey, you can read an interview I did with Dr. Wynette Green, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
If you have been through miscarrying twins, what helped you find comfort?
More Miscarriage Stories
- Katy’s recurrent miscarriage story
- Beth’s ectopic pregnancy story
- Dawn’s miscarriage after an unplanned pregnancy
- Arden’s misoprostol experience
- Katy’s blighted ovum story
- Whitney’s experience with back-to-back miscarriages
- Nicole’s medical abortion story
- Faith’s experience with termination for medical reasons